When I was young, I had no idea what I was and what I wanted to become. I listened too much to what other said what I was and where I should have gone better. And I thought it might have been me and my future even without any doubt. Sure! I supposed to make others glad for being what they wanted me to become was a good job especially for good girls. It is funny!!!.. Now I know.. Haha
Well, I tried very hard to be a nice girl for those who always judged me how I should have done. I cannot even describe how deep I was proud of myself when I heard
‘ How clever you are!’
from them for what I have done as what they desired. I did not even know that it drove me foolish by lack of thinking.
However, there was always a part of me that searched what I wanted to do, talk, act and go behind them. And I cannot help thanking that part of me nowadays for turning my eyes into the right world. Let’s go back! Sure, I was never able to stop researching those a few questions in every night before bedtimes. I had no one to discuss with what I wanted at that time. It was terrible!… I swear that having no body to tell a little bit about what you are thinking must be the most loneliest time in the world. Yes. . I did have those moments. Well…anyhow, I trusted myself that I was special.
So, I started to talk to myself. Oh yes! Are you wondering if I was out of my mind? Haha … Of course not! I was too intelligent to waste my time of thinking and getting depression on having no one beside me for my little talk. I talked myself,
‘ I will become a good person and all I want is coming to me.’
‘ I did great today!’
‘ I am a nice girl.’
in every single night before I went sleep.
Moreover, when I got up and went for clean up, I whispered to myself like..
‘ I am still alive.’
‘ I am still alive.’
‘ Oh, I can do everything I want to.’
‘ Yes! Yes! Yes! I’m a good girl.’
in every morning.
It was not enough for me to keep talking myself like that. I wrote those motivational words on many pieces of papers, in my books and even on the sand, leaves, old sheets that tended to throw, tissues whenever I got chances to wrote. What I aimed was that I wanted to let the whole me know I am special that I will make the life I am into one day in the future. I did continue writing much more when I felt I had nothing and others tried to drag me down than I have done ever before.
It is very special. You know? I came less stress and fear but gained more and more confidence. The most important thing what I feel most satisfied is that I could ignore what others’ opinions to me. I am able only to focus on what the inner soul says to me. What I want to be, what I enjoy and what I really want to work become the majority of my life now.
So far, I am fearless of asking for anything I feel I want to. I am not afraid of saying ‘NO’. I enjoy myself. I feel so much confortable with myself. I have self-respect. I am now working what I am actually keen on.
Every day is now meaningful.
I feel loved, peaceful, happy and can even truly see the meaning of my existence.
I live every single moment that I keep breathing in and out.
What about you?
You can live every day. It is your life. Yes, it is yours! Nobody else’s. Just try to enjoy your existence.
March 23, 2019